Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
