i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
