My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
