I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Text me some of your sweat
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize