Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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