imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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