It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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