In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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