I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I look excited, but its just a facade.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
