i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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