It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize