I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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