i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
