He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
