I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
