Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
