PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
