I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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