I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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