I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize