He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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