hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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