and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So squirting runs in the family.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
