There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
