The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
