Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
