Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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