i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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