It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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