Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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