i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
