At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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