Someone shit on the floor
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
