Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
