Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
