she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
