I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
