dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
