Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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