I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
