genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
