im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
