he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
