The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hippo gnu deer
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
