insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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