she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
