we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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