We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
