She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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