I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
