you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
