You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
