I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
