i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
