The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
