Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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