Houston, we have a blender
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
