i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
