he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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