So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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