dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
