I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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