After last night, I could never be a politician.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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