i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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