god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
