Tell her she can't have a vagina
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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