I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
