someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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