we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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