ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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