textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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